WHAT THE HELL?!

okay.

i thought my life was bad before?

it.just.got.worse.

im literally shaking. i had a shit night.

i was supposed to be having tuna pasta (400cals) but instead my parents "treated us" to a chinese takeaway. I asked my dad to get me chicken with spring onions, which is literally just that. no sauce, nothing. My best option.

but no. the fucking people got it wrong. and gave me chicken with spring onions in SWEET AND SOUR SAUCE. probably, the nicest, least healthy thing. ever.

so my parents knew I looked it, so I couldn't pretend I didn't. But I literally burst out crying when I saw it. I ate about half, then stopped. I'm just so pissed off though. It was so many more calories than I'd planned. I'm going to die.

Last blog for the day, now.

I hate this. I hate this eating disorder. I hate my body. I hate my family. I hate myself.

Oh, and then we watched CSI. Some woman hung herself and I burst out crying. My aunt committed suicide in April and it still hurts to think about. My sister started talking to my mum about my aunt's death, but I left the room. I didn't want to talk about it. But now I'm not sure. I don't know if I do or not. I don't want to know how she died because I like imagining she just took some pills and died in no (physical) pain. What if I found out she slit her wrists or hung herself? The image would haunt me forever. But THIS is haunting me. Constantly questioning myself, playing things over and over, trying to imagine different scenarios.

I'm so lost right now.

FML.

Oh.My.God.

Sorry about updating this soooo much (POST WHORE!) but I just had to say this. Oh.My.God.

So, like an hour ago I came onto my period. Already not great cos I feel bloated, fat and hormonal. I feel like crying and just can't deal with it. But it was OK because I ate 196cals for lunch, and was going to have 400 for dinner. So, like it was going to be about 600 calories for the day. Considering I've been eating about 2000-2500 for the past month, that was pretty good.

But no. My mum "doesn't feel like cooking". So what are we having? A chinese takeaway. A fucking greasy, fucking fatty, fucking salty, fucking chinese.

EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW.

I reaaaaaaaally don't want to eat it. At all, but I have to. My parents are already suspiciuos, and especially my sister. ASRGHNARGJGAR.

I'm getting boiled rice with chicken and spring onions. The sauce is quite dry, its literally just chicken, spring onions and some little nutty thing. And ginger. But still. More than 400 cals! If I've gained, I'll fucking flip.

FML.

Thinspo

157.5lbs - Why am I happy?!

So, I weighed myself for the first time in about 2 months this morning. And I was 157.5lbs! I don't know why I'm so happy about that, because its still a ridiculously high number, but it's lower than I thought. I though I was at least about 165lbs, because when I first started "recovering" I was about 152lbs. So I've only gained 5lbs, and I binged like mad for the past 2 months! WOOO! :)

So, todays intake:

CALORIE INTAKE
Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: Tuna slice (96cals)

Bread, one slice (80cals)

Lettuce and dressing (20cals)

Dinner: Tuna pasta bake (425cals)

Haha, I seem so obsessed with tuna :| I swear I didn't know what I was having for dinner when I made my lunch! Haha. I've not eaten my dinner yet, so I'll update later and let you know if I managed to stick to just the tuna pasta, and how much of it I ate! I'm also going to write my weight loss goals over there <<<<<<>

Quick question before I go; HOW DO I ADD PAGES TO MY BLOG?

Thanks guys! Love you all

xxxxxxxxxx

Hellooooo :)

Hello everyone and welcome to my new blog! I hope you enjoy it. This is basically going to be tracking my progress throughout my eating disorder; tracking the ups, the downs and the in betweens. So I just thought I'd give you a brief biography of myself before I get started with my blog, so you can get to know me.

I'm Emma, I'm 14 (15 next week) and I live in the North of England. I first became depressed when I was 11, after moving back to England for the start of secondary school. Secondary school in England was really different, and I didn't fit in. I never got bullied, but I got tormented and laughed at. I felt different, and I hated it. So I got more and more depressed everyday. My mum realised after a month or two what was going on and promised to make me a doctors appointment. I'm still waiting.

At about 12, I discovered self harm. It wasn't bad, but I began cutting myself up my arms. Never a huge, deep wound but it was still self harm. About a month after that, I began dieting. Because of my depression, my low self esteem and my depression I quickly slipped into an eating disorder. Since then, for the past 2 years, I have struggled. I've had ups and downs. Generally, I will fast/restrict for about 3-4 weeks, then binge and gain it all back. I'm stuck in this vicious cycle and I just can't get out.


So, any questions, let me know! :)

Love you all!
xxxxx