im literally shaking. i had a shit night.
i was supposed to be having tuna pasta (400cals) but instead my parents "treated us" to a chinese takeaway. I asked my dad to get me chicken with spring onions, which is literally just that. no sauce, nothing. My best option.
but no. the fucking people got it wrong. and gave me chicken with spring onions in SWEET AND SOUR SAUCE. probably, the nicest, least healthy thing. ever.
so my parents knew I looked it, so I couldn't pretend I didn't. But I literally burst out crying when I saw it. I ate about half, then stopped. I'm just so pissed off though. It was so many more calories than I'd planned. I'm going to die.
Last blog for the day, now.
I hate this. I hate this eating disorder. I hate my body. I hate my family. I hate myself.
Oh, and then we watched CSI. Some woman hung herself and I burst out crying. My aunt committed suicide in April and it still hurts to think about. My sister started talking to my mum about my aunt's death, but I left the room. I didn't want to talk about it. But now I'm not sure. I don't know if I do or not. I don't want to know how she died because I like imagining she just took some pills and died in no (physical) pain. What if I found out she slit her wrists or hung herself? The image would haunt me forever. But THIS is haunting me. Constantly questioning myself, playing things over and over, trying to imagine different scenarios.
I'm so lost right now.
I feel what you're feeling... lost.
ReplyDeleteI send you many hugs, and if I were there with you now, you know I would understand you.
When my sister first opened up about being suicidal a few years ago- I was up at college and that's when my first relapse started... I would have nightmares imagining her killing herself, It got so bad one time...
I was sitting in one of my art classes in college (i'm an art student) and some idiot girl brought in a video (this was two days after i heard about my sister) where this man sits his wrists. I had an anxiety attack and almost bolted out of the room... but instead, I silently bawled my eyes out in the dark and waited for it to be over. It was HORRIBLE.
I hope you're doing a little better right now Emma,
I was about to say it's ok o hate yourself, your body, the eating disorder especially... but no... I understand why you hate your body, yourself, and your eating disorder... but truly cherish your family... just like you do your aunt.
I'm here if you need me- I'm here even if you don't! I'm not going anywhere (in a non-creepy way)